She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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