So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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