the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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