watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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