Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You're a waste of cheezeits
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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