she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
