If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Farmville is her only friend.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
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