Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
be right there i have to get my cape
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
