I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
