Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
