3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
