I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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