When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
