I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
