im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
