You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
