okay pat passed out under dana's car
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
