I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
