the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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