i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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