when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
