it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Sorry about my life...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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