I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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