It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize