You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
