i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize