so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Are we still banned from the library?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
