Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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