I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
