Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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