I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
