we have officially lost it.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I believe in your delicious
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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