the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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