Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
