Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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