Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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