I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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