in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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