my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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