Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
