Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
