So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
