just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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