Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
