I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
