It's Friday. Sex?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
