I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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