Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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