I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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