I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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