Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
