A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
We are two peas in an std pod
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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