I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
