I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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