He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
