I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
