i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I woke up under a house in Key West
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
