I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
