If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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