if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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