You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
