tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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