This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
