At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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