my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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