It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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