The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
