how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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